You can be a million miles apart in the same bed and as closeas the next heartbeat even though you are separated by hundreds of miles.  Have you ever had the experience of feeling really separated or far apart from your partner even though you were within touching distance?  Have you ever felt really close to someone that you see infrequently? 

How can you explain this paradox?  I have had both experiences in my life on more than one occasion of experiencing both of the above circumstances and I have tried to determine the root cause of these feelings regardless of the distance that separated me from my loved one’s.  I can’t give you a definitive answer, but I think I am getting a lot closer to the heart of the issue.

There are several types of closeness or distance.  There is: physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and psychological.  I have felt really close emotionally to someone yet a million miles apart physically.  I have felt a great valley of distance between a spouse spiritually yet a closeness in family or financial agendas.  If you are in a relationship and do not feel intimately close to your significant other in any of the above positive ways I suggest you consider why you may be experiencing this distance. 

The real problem here is to be close in some ways and distant in others.  For example if you have a greater need for more affection, emotional closeness or romance and your significant other has a greater need for more sex or physical closeness, you will never bridge this gap focusing on a totally unrelated common area in your relationship such as money, career or children. You will tend to bring the unresolved resentments, baggage, expectations, guilt etc. into the other areas of your relationship.  You may not do this consciously, but you will certainly do it unconsciously.

There are a number of causes to these feelings of distance and or closeness.  They can be summarized in just 3.

1. Expectations.  You want or expect a certain type of attitude, response, action, word, feedback from your spouse and it doesn’t (hardly ever or never) comes.  You have an expectation and are constantly disappointed. These unfulfilled expectations can lead to a variety of resentments, then anger and finally apathy.

2. Needs and/or desires.  Your significant other has no interest in knowing, understanding or satisfying some or any of your basic emotional or physical needs or wants.

3. Your needs, wants or expectations are unrealistic, and you therefore set yourself up for disappointment wherever you go and whomever you are with.  Remember, your responses to anything are not the responsibility of another person, just as their reactions are not your responsibility.

During a break in one of my recent seminars I recently overheard a conversation between two female friends.  One person said, “the passion is gone in our relationship.”  This simple comment caused me to think for a few minutes.  Passion is not in a relationship any more than fun is in a job.  If there is no more passion in the relationship it is because there is no more passion in the two people in the relationship.

A relationship doesn’t have feelings or emotions.  People in them have these things.  So if there is distance or closeness in your relationship it is not because these are in the relationship but because they are in one of you.

Make it a great week, Tim Connor

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Call me if you want to discuss hiring me for a motivational keynote or custom in-house sales or management seminar for your next meeting or conference.  I still have openings in my 2006 schedule.

If you are planning a retreat or strategic planning event in 2006, give me a call.  I’ll help you bring reality and accountability to the process.

Copyright: 12/2005 Tim Connor, CSP, Connor Resource Group Inc.

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Speaker, Trainer, Best Selling Author
Connor Resource Group Inc.
Box 397  Davidson, N.C. 28036 USA
704-895-1230 (voice) 704-895-1231 (fax)
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